guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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