I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A+ Viking dick
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
