MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
