Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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