I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That accounts for only three of the penises
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
