I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
