I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
