I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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