So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
