she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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