Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
