Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
