We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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