I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
