I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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