allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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