the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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