You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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