This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
