So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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