I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
