Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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