Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
