I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
