Just cropdusted the office
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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