I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
