tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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