I faked an abortion last night.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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