man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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