a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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