I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
