I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
