the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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