Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize