he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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