I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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