Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
