I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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