Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
