Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
