he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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