So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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