the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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