He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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