but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
