I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
