Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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