I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
