I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
