made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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