Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
