Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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