I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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