The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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