True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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