I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
