Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
