I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
