I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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