im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
