If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize