i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
