i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
