i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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