dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
