Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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